


Best You Never Had

by neversaydie



Series: cock it and pull it [23]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Banter, Closeted Character, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gaslighting, Humor, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, ben drinks too much coffee, grey-ace sammy, past emotional abuse, sammy doesn't understand memes, sammy's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 23:14:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14146725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: "I need more coffee.""You definitely don't need more coffee," Emily steals his mug, and Ben's outraged noise is loud enough for the mic to pick up even from a distance."For the listeners, Ms Potter just committed an audacious act of caffeine banditry the likes of which this station has never seen.""What about the time you stole my energy drink-""You drank half a can and started hearing colours, man," Sammy shakes his head and moves on quickly. "Line two, you're live on King Falls AM.""Shotgun."Sammy freezes. He'd know that voice anywhere[in which a ghost from Sammy's past calls into the show.]





	Best You Never Had

**Author's Note:**

> Sammy's unusually knowledgeable reaction to the Emily/Greg thing got me thinking at the time... and here is the result.

"You use a truly frightening amount of sweetener in your coffee," Sammy shakes his head when yet _another_ little white pill falls into Ben's drink. It's not even real sugar, he's never been able to wrap his head around that.

They should be talking about the build up to the Salcedo trial (they were supposed to have Agent Spears calling in, but she texted during the last break to say she was too emotional after the latest Great British Baking Show elimination), but it's been a giggly sort of show and things feel too lighthearted to try and address anything serious. Jack is out of town visiting Lily, Emily is guesting purely because she and Ben are being _particularly_ disgusting right now, and Sammy…

Sammy's feeling pretty good about life right now, quite honestly. It still feels strange to admit that he's happy, after being so sad for so long, but he's starting to trust that happiness - lean into it and accept that things can, sometimes, go right for him.

At Sammy's comment, Ben pauses with the cup halfway to his lips and shrugs.

"It's to counteract how bitter I am as a person."

"I saw you crying at a video of old dogs this afternoon," Emily points out, and Sammy has to lean away from the mic to laugh at the look of abject betrayal on Ben's face.

"They were reunited, Emily! After ten years!" He clears his throat, because he's totally not getting choked up about the Barx Brothers again. "I don't get to decide what is and isn't magical."

"Well on that note, folks, let's open up the phone lines and take some calls," Sammy attempts to reach over and use the board himself, being quickly slapped away when Ben notices him messing with his precious switches. Hopefully it inspires him to stop making googly eyes at Emily long enough to actually use them. "Lucky line five you're-"

"Brochachos," Sammy closes his eyes reflexively when Doyle's drawl crawls down the line, fully aware he's making what Ben calls his 'frustrated teacher face' and really not giving a shit. "I got some news for you, craziest damn thing you ever _saw_ , boys, and girls… girl singular. Woman, woah-man, sorry Ms-"

"Doyle," Sammy interrupts delicately, because he can see Ben's blood pressure begin to rise at the rambling, and his tiny co-host has a high caffeine to blood ratio as it is. He really has an issue with Doyle which can't be fully related to just finding the guy's attention seeking irritating, but Sammy's not going to pry. "Did you have something to tell us?"

"Lemme set the scene, Sammy, let me set the _scene_ ," Doyle pauses to take a bong rip, which has Ben banging his head on the desk and _definitely_ not making Sammy and Emily laugh. "So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my ti-"

"Nope," Ben drops the call, looking relieved to have an excuse. "Old meme, Doyle, Vine doesn't even exist anymore. Call back never."

"What's Vine?" Sammy frowns, and Ben just stares blankly at him for a moment before dropping his head into his hands.

"I thought you said 'what's a meme' for a second, and I had to re-evaluate my entire life. I raised you better than that," he raises his head again, shaking off the existential crisis. "I need more coffee."

"You definitely don't need more coffee," Emily steals his mug, sipping from it herself, and Ben's outraged noise is loud enough for the mic to pick up even from a distance.

"For the listeners, Ms Potter just committed an audacious act of caffeine banditry the likes of which this station has never seen."

"What about the time a sponsor sent us that case of Taurus Twist energy drink?" Ben points out, thankfully omitting the drink's full name (Taurus Testicular Twist, it makes Sammy shudder every time). "You stole most of that from-"

"Only because you drank half a can and started hearing colours, man. You really need to get a handle on your caffeine intake," Sammy shakes his head and moves on quickly, because Ben is eyeing his mug and if he and Emily start any sexually-charged squabbling then Sammy's going home immediately. "That's more than enough artificial synesthesia for one night. Line two, you're live on King Falls AM."

"Shotgun."

Sammy freezes. He'd know that voice anywhere

"He usually goes by Suplex, these days," Ben laughs, never missing an opportunity to needle Sammy about the Grisham incident. Not that his co-host is listening right now. "Who do we have on the line tonight?"

"It's Eric. Good to meet you, Ben," he sounds positive, upbeat, normal. Sammy can't breathe. "I'm a big fan of your buddy, there."

"Oh cool, we don't usually get pre-King Falls fans calling into the show," Ben tries to catch Sammy's eye, knowing how he usually reacts to blasts from his past, but Sammy can't make himself look up from where he's staring at the desk.

"Oh yeah, me and Sammy go way back," Eric is definitely smiling as he speaks, and Sammy…

 

_"Do you understand how lucky you are? To be with someone who actually listens when you say you don't wanna fuck? Guys are supposed to want sex, Sammy, it's not normal to…"_

_"Why do you spend so much time with him? Let me see your phone…"_

_"You know you're weird, right? I mean, I love you, but other people wouldn't understand what you're really…"_

_"It's just a blowjob, it's not like I'm asking for…"_

_"I do everything for you, I try and help with your bullshit anxiety, and all I get in return is…"_

_"Nobody else would want to handle you, nobody else would want to deal with your broken…"_

_"Maybe I should just rip the band-aid off and tell them you're gay, it has to happen sometime and I'm so sick of…"_

_"I don't wanna hear another word about Jack. You know he's only trying to fuck you, he'll drop you as soon as…"_

_"Jesus, you're so much hard fucking work…"_

_"I'm the best you're ever gonna get, you're lucky I put up with…"_

 

It was so long ago, feels like part of another lifetime, but it all comes flooding back like it was yesterday.

His first boyfriend, his first love, the guy he reluctantly lost his virginity to because it was a thing you were supposed to do. The initial giddy flush of love followed by isolation, threats of being outed, belittling, feeling like he was totally incapable and it was only because of Eric that he was able to function at all.

Being absolutely certain that nobody else would ever love the weird, broken mess of him. For a while.

 

_"Dude," Jack looks at him sideways when Eric leaves, walking out of the bar on a particularly sour note and a comment about how Sammy's a fucking idiot. "I don't know why you hang out with that guy. You know he shouldn't talk to you like that, right?"_

_Sammy shakes his head, looking after his boyfriend thoughtfully. He's not convinced, but if Jack thinks something is wrong without even knowing they're together - and his gut says the same - then maybe… maybe he needs to think about some things._

_He breaks up with Eric and blocks his number a few months later, moves in with the Wrights, and it takes a long, drunken conversation with Lily while he pretends to be talking about a friend to hear the phrase 'emotional abuse'._

_It takes a disappointingly sober conversation with a therapist, several years later, to understand it._  

 

"...thought maybe we could catch up. You still gotta get loaded before you go on the air, Shotgun? It's been a long time since-"

Sammy pushes the dump button, cutting Eric off mid-sentence. It actually feels kind of good.

He finally raises his head during the dead air to see Ben looking at him with surprise, Emily watching with open concern beside him.

"Dude," Ben starts cautiously, not sure how much he should ask about this on the air when Sammy's already had his business broadcast all over town more than once. "Are you-"

"I'm good, I really am," he's not even panicking (because _fuck you Eric_ he's totally competent _despite_ his anxiety), and he takes a deep breath before forcing a smile. He's having a good night, an echo from another life doesn't get to ruin that. "It's, uh. Anyway. We should take another-"

"Let's throw on a commercial," Ben is already queueing one up, and Sammy sighs quietly off-mic because he really doesn't want to talk about this on or off the air. "We can take a break and-"

"Ben, I'm fine. Ghost of exes past," it's an explanation, but apparently not enough of one since his friend's finger is still hovering over the commercial button. Sammy keeps his tone forcibly casual, determined not to bring the mood down. "I didn't learn about gaslighting from a textbook, let's leave it at that."

"You-"

"Can we talk about Troy's new ad for the Sheriff campaign?" Emily jumps in to change the subject, and Sammy is achingly grateful for the look she shoots him. It's a move of solidarity, not sympathy, and he can't even find words for how much he appreciates that. It's an experience he wishes they didn't share, but at least they're both past it. "Did you have to sing the _whole_ Walker Texas Ranger theme song, or…?"

"It's only forty-five seconds long," Ben lets himself be distracted, giving Sammy a look which says it's a conscious choice to drop the subject. He really loves his friends, sometimes. "It's just the new lyrics we wrote didn't exactly scan, and there's only so many times you can fit 'Krieghauser' into a jingle when..."

Sammy lets the conversation wash over him until he's ready to jump back in, bad memories stuffed firmly back in the box they sprung out of. He's not that kid anymore, hiding from himself and everyone else, and he's come too far and worked too hard on his foundations for a past mistake to drag him back into the dark.

Nobody gets to decide how he feels anymore but him - and tonight, live on air with the family he built himself, Sammy's feeling pretty damn good.


End file.
